Rump?

"This part is lean but rather tough."

The HoR was called to a special session by President Duterte in exasperated reaction to the events of October 6 when suddenly, Speaker Alan Peter Cayetano of Taguig-Pateros resigned, his supporters rejected the same, and in effect “re-elected” him Speaker.

Presumptive speaker Lord Allan Velasco of Marinduque and Cavite questioned the “kuno” resignation and rejection, and his supporters condemned the antics of the gentleman from Taguig-Pateros, who defied the supposed Magellan formula forged by El Presidente, mismo.

The political madness that followed was drama worthy of a defunct ABS-CBN telenovela.

If this was America, we wouldn’t be surprised, because they have a Donald Trump. But this is the Philippines, and even the usually unflappable president himself was not at all amused.

You would think that when a clearly angered president went on national television flanked by his key cabinet officials and his military generals at his back, the members of the HoR, now referred to by some of its leaders as the House of the People or HoP, would back down and come to a brokered truce, hanker down to their main responsibility of finalizing a budget so desperately needed by a pandemic-stricken “people.”

But no. This is the season “when pigs fly,” which was the title of my 28 September column. It’s the election year budget, and if you don’t fly quickly enough to make sure you get the choice cuts of “liempo” in the pork-laden appropriations for 2021, you will end up with “buto-buto”.

The members of the HoP need to ensure that their “speaker” knows how to butcher the budget, whether it is “hating kapatid” or “hating kapuso.”

And so, October 6 unfolds into October 12, when after visits to the palace beside the river Pasig or the house in Davao City, Lord Allan and his supporters Monday morning trooped to the Celebrity Sports Plaza, a few kilometers from the Batasang Pambansa built by Imelda Marcos for her husband’s rubber-stamp parliament.

There, with a mace fashioned some say in Recto Avenue, they elected, by a “majority” of 186 votes, live or “zoomed,” the gentleman from Marinduque and Cavite their new Speaker of the House of the People. (That’s how the presiding officer called the assembly.)

But the gentleman from Taguig-Pateros refused to recognize the numbers, trotting out instead a manifesto of support signed by 200 members of the HoR, or HoP, whichever you prefer. Secretary General Montales and Sergeant-at-Arms Apolinario certified that the true and genuine mace, the symbol of authority of the bigger chamber of Congress, was in the Batasan and in their possession.

House rules mandate that the mace should be displayed at all “official” functions of the chamber, and its absence will invalidate the particular function that took place without it being displayed in full view of the assembly.

Let us flash back to the events of the 2018 SONA, when the President was in his room at the Batasan, waiting to be escorted to the hall where he was to deliver his annual message, to Congress and the people. Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez was to be “decapitated,” and in his place, the new speaker-elect by majority was to be installed.

Tense minutes stretched into more than an hour, with a former President of the Republic no less waiting to preside along with the Senate President because she had the “numbers.” President Duterte, chafing patiently as the drama unfolded, threatened to walk out and not deliver his State of the Nation address as mandated by constitutional fiat no less.

Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, the gentle lady from Pampanga and Pangasinan demanded to be the presiding officer of the House and be the one to welcome the President for his SONA. Pantaleon Alvarez of Davao del Norte would not budge from his right to be at the dais, along with the uncontested Senate President, Tito Sotto.

But Executive Secretary Salvador C. Medialdea, of Davao, Aklan and somewhere in the Ilocos (Happy Birthday, ES!) solved the impasse by reminding the gentle lady from Pampanga and Pangasinan, not to forget Iligan as well, that the mace was missing, and therefore, without it, she could not “officially” function as Speaker of the House. That saved the day and the HoR from an embarrassing spectacle.

The mace also saved the ceremonial day for Alvarez, and President Duterte thus strode into the hall. The following day, the mace re-appeared, and Speaker Gloria Macapagal Arroyo was rightfully proclaimed. (I know who “stole” the mace, but as he is my good friend and no longer in Congress, I will keep it to myself, even if surely, many of his colleagues knew, or suspected).

Yet there was a “mace” in the Celebrity Sports Plaza, and there were 186 votes “kuno.”

Rule of the majority, Lord Allan’s supporters proclaim.

“Rump!”, “Fake!” Alan Peter charges back.

The rump of a hoofed animal, in the case of pigs, is called “pigue” by wet market butchers. It’s very lean, but rather tough. I have it ground, perfect for embotido or torta but very much unlike the juicy liempo which members of the HoP prefer.

A rump session is what Alan and his supporters call the Celebrity Sports shindig. My former boss, Ronaldo Zamora of San Juan and Bulacan, even Baguio City where his maternal grandfather was mayor during pre-war days, of whose intellect one finds few equals in this benighted land, asks a few questions: The president called for a special session from October 13 to 16, precisely to finish the budget; therefore, there was no session on Monday the 12th.

Alan Peter, upon the other hand, presents a manifesto signed by 200. That is just a piece of paper, Zamora says.

“We need to vote, in session, nominally, in fact,” Zamora states.

As for the gentleman’s agreement between Alan with an L and Allan with a double L, that, Zamora says, is between the two of them. Not all the gentlemen of the House.

So at the end of the day, it will be a question of numbers, in the Batasan Imelda built.

200? 186? That’s a total of 386, and as of last count, with some falling from the COVID virus, there are 299 members of the House.

Flying voters? Didn’t I tell you these are the times when pigs fly?