“In the first place, who says we have to want it all?”
Many in our generation grew up programmed to hit life milestones in a certain order. Get a college degree. Find a job. Get married, and stay married. Have children. Amass assets and achieve a certain lifestyle. All by a certain age.
The pressure is greater on women. Time is not perceived to be an ally of our bodies, so we have to be able to find a partner and bear children ideally before age 35. Changing society norms and demands also make it more challenging for women to balance all their disparate roles. So while they are expected to achieve rising professional competence and credibility, they should also be able to have a home that is organized and efficient, and children who are well-behaved achievers. “Cute” would be a bonus. They are expected to stay youthful, beautiful, and physically fit so that their husbands or partners don’t stray. These women of the world shouldn’t let their personal lives suffer, either. They should have a thriving social life but squeeze in time for self-care, as well.
In short, we’re asked to be superhuman. And only when we are able to do all these can we deem ourselves a success.
But, seriously…upwardly mobile? Superwoman? Mother of the Year? These labels of affirmation are a scam we’ve been made to swallow.
Imagine the proverbial yappy relative during a family reunion. Why have you not finished your course in four years? Why have you been job-hopping instead of staying put and ascending the corporate ladder? Why are you still single/ just living in? Why don’t you have children yet? Or, why did you leave your stable family life and choose to start over on your own?
Fortunately, each generation seems to get bolder and retort: Why not?
What if it takes longer to settle on one’s life work because one alternates between wanting too many things and not knowing what one truly wants? As long as one is driven by a desire to do good, is not a burden to others, and who takes steps to find one’s place in the world, she will be fine.
What if deeply rooted patterns that have characterized one’s relationships are taking long to be recognized, much less resolved? What if one’s solitude and peace have become too precious to give up? And what if marriage feels forced, or has become damaging or even abusive? Before we can truly love another, we must first love and feel whole in ourselves.
What if, one realizes one is scared at the prospect of bringing children into the world given the chaos, confusion, brokenness, and evil, or one’s uncertainty that one could care for another human being? What if one has been trying and failing to conceive? Motherhood is not for everyone, and one is not any less a woman and a human being for not having children, voluntarily or otherwise.
What if, one prefers one’s company to the noise of the world? Not everyone is the life of the party.
Finally, what if one does not place that high a value in pocketing a fat salary or amassing shiny new objects? Or, what if one tries to be financially secure but fails? Then it would be a good opportunity to live simply and be more deliberate about needs and wants.
In the end, we are fortunate for even being able to ponder the choices available to us. In many places, basic needs are not even met, the prospect of planning the next few days is a luxury, and women are not even aware that they could choose to carve out a life different from what they have always known.
There has been a lot of emphasis on women having it all – being on top of our game in all of the aspects of our lives. But this has been a ruse to leave us perpetually feeling inadequate and finding ways to make up for the void. In reality, we win some and lose some. What matters is the meaning we extract from our “successes” and our “failures,” and the recognition that we are always exactly where we are meant to be.