“In Philippine politics hypocrisy is less of a bug and more of a feature”
IN THE pandemonium that is 2024, the Philippines has rebranded democracy into a high-stakes reality show: ‘Who Wants to Be a Scapegoat?’
The GMA Integrated News Yearend Report doubles as an instruction manual for surviving a plot twist every six hours. Think The Hunger Games—but with more press conferences and fewer rules.
Let’s begin with Mother Nature, who seems to have a better attendance record than most elected officials.
A record-breaking number of typhoons made landfall this year, turning disaster response into the nation’s favorite spectator sport. “We’re building resilience,” claimed one official, presumably while strapping a snorkel onto a barangay captain.
It’s unclear whether this resilience training extends to the country’s infrastructure, last seen floating toward the West Philippine Sea.
The great divide
Speaking of the West Philippine Sea, tensions between China and the Philippines have been eclipsed only by the tension between Vice President Sara Duterte and President Bongbong Marcos Jr.
Rumors of a rift in their “Uniteam” surfaced after the VP reportedly described the president’s leadership style as “passive-aggressive,” while the president countered by noting the VP’s approach to governance was “more aggressive than passive.”
Analysts predict their 2025 campaign slogans will be: “Unity in Division” and “Divided We Stand.”
Quiboloy chronicles
Pastor Apollo Quiboloy, a man whose legal battles could fill an entire Law & Order spin-off, continued his streak of spiritual and financial innovation.
Accused of human trafficking and other minor inconveniences (like “global lawbreaking”), Quiboloy remains unfazed. When asked to comment, he reportedly said, “I am innocent because God told me so,” which raises the question: can the Almighty be subpoenaed?
Meanwhile, the POGO industry brought us the Alice Guo scandal, a tale of corruption so intricate it’s rumored to have inspired a new Netflix series, House of Cards: Makati. Guo, whose alleged ties to illegal activities lit up social media, managed to implicate half the government while insisting she was just there to play mahjong.
The Duterte drug war
The Duterte drug war made a dramatic return to center stage this year, courtesy of the International Criminal Court.
While the ICC continued its investigation into alleged extrajudicial killings, Congress launched its own probe, proving once again that two investigations are better than one—especially when they produce enough headlines to distract from other scandals.
As witnesses detailed harrowing stories, certain officials defended the campaign by arguing its “success” lay in its ability to make people afraid—not of crime, but of law enforcement itself.
“Fear is a deterrent,” said one former official, apparently unaware he was auditioning for the role of a dystopian dictator in an unannounced sequel to 1984.
Meanwhile, in a move that could redefine irony, the very individuals implicated in these killings now call for “due process” and “justice.”
If nothing else, this year’s developments have proven that in Philippine politics hypocrisy is less of a bug and more of a feature.
A new soap opera
But nothing captivated the nation like the Quad Comm hearings, where the Vice President’s office was accused of distributing confidential funds to a cast of imaginary beneficiaries.
The hearings revealed some recipients had no recorded existence, leading many to suspect the funds went to support the CGI artists responsible for creating them.
On the environmental front, developers proposed turning the iconic Chocolate Hills into something resembling an all-you-can-eat buffet for billionaires.
Critics argued this was like converting the Mona Lisa into a coloring book, but proponents defended it as a “job creation initiative.”
Mary Jane Veloso’s return
In a rare moment of collective joy, Mary Jane Veloso returned to the Philippines after years of imprisonment in Indonesia.
Her release was widely celebrated, although some officials were reportedly confused about how to handle an actual success story.
As 2024 draws to a close, one thing is clear: the Philippines has redefined the term “political theater.”
But amid the chaos, the people continue to laugh, proving that satire remains the nation’s true coping mechanism.
Here’s to 2025, when we’ll undoubtedly do it all over again—bigger, louder, and with even more special effects.
