“Ending violence also means enabling survivors to begin anew.”
IT’S always easy to comment on certain issues from the outside. Such is the folly of our “maritess” culture – which has been, by the way, in place long before the distinctly Filipino term was coined.
For example, if your hear that your friend was getting beaten by her husband, or if an acquaintance was being subjected to verbal and psychological abuse by her partner, or if a relative was being forced to earn a living for six children because their father refuses to support them financially, your first advice would likely be: “Leave!”
You would most likely be frustrated when, after a particularly violent episode, and after you’ve dished out advice you think is a no-brainer, you would see that friend/ acquaintance/ relative back with her abusive partner, trying to look as though everything were all right.
“Stupid,” you might think. But you’d be failing to realize that a woman would have a thousand considerations before actually fleeing the violent environment. It is almost never a first option for countless women. To some, it is never an option at all.
What about the children, she might think. She would not want to displace them or cause them the stigma of coming from a “broken home.” Appearances are a powerful factor, as well, especially if the couple are known figures or are looked up to by many. Some women define themselves in terms of belonging to a conventional social unit, and without it, they might feel they are nothing. Some cling because they believe it is their solemn vow to stay on at whatever cost.
Economics is another force – some women are financially dependent on their husbands that they would not know how to keep a lifestyle that they have already become accustomed to. Or, at the very least, how to start looking for work when the children still need tending to, or when they have had neither work experience nor skills for a job.
Fear, too. Some men could not bear the thought of letting their wives or partners go even when they treat them shabbily. Thus, all sorts of threats are made, all meant to scare the woman into further submission.
That, or hope – hope that the other person would eventually see the light, and change.
Another potent factor is inertia. It could be better to deal with the devil you know (status quo) than the devil you don’t (what’s out there if she strikes out on her own).
Psychologists have brought up the existence of the battered woman syndrome that could help explain why some women cannot seem to recognize destructive patterns, break abusive cycles, and reclaim their lives and start over.
Those who are able to do so are fortunate.
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The campaign to End Violence Against Women ended last Thursday, Dec. 12. It is an annual 12-day commemoration that seeks to raise public consciousness of the various forms and impact of VAW. According to the Philippine Commission for Women, VAW is a pervasive social problem not just in the Philippines but worldwide. Here in our country, nearly one in five women have experienced emotional, physical, or sexual abuse by their current or most recent husband or intimate partner.
But to be aware is one thing; to actually end the cycle of violence is quite another. Afterward, when the violence ends – the woman leaves, for instance, or is issued a protective order, or the partner is put away, what then?
The newly-liberated woman is never jubilant. There is the overwhelming fear of and uncertainty about the life that lies ahead. What if the children do not come with her? What if her love and longing for her husband far outweighs the pain of abuse? What if she cannot find a job to sustain herself, or cannot live with the stigma of being a separada?
Help is needed in starting over as badly as it is needed to end violent cycles. Check up on them when they go quiet. Let them know you are there even if just to keep them company or listen. Extend opportunities to earn. Suggest hobbies or distractions that would allow them to rebuild their self-esteem. And many other ways. Let families, communities, and government support systems prepare for that, as well.
So if you know somebody you think is fighting these battles, know when and how to help. The story never ends when violence is ended. Beginning anew is a logical extension of fleeing abuse. We have always pledged help to raise consciousness to end violence. Let’s take it further — we must also be ready to help survivors rise and face the life they have reclaimed.
adellechua@gmail.com
