To open his epic novel that explored infidelity, Leo Tolstoy wrote, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
The opening words of Anna Karenina may have gone down in history as one of literature’s most unforgettable lines, but a closer look at crumbling marriages and romantic relationships show that the roots of their breakdown have more similarities than most people realize.
Doomed relationships are often attributed to different causes, such as lack of intimacy, unresolved differences, or financial issues. In each case, an analysis by American professor Mark Knapp identifies five stages that reveal how relationships deteriorate following a common pattern.
Alienation
One television show that poignantly depicts how marriages break down is The Affair, a drama series that explores marital infidelity.
During the show’s first season, lead characters Noah Holloway (Dominic West) and Alison Lockhart (Ruth Wilson) saw themselves caught in the throes of their separate marital problems before being consumed by their forbidden love for one another.
Noah is a writer who’s trying to break free from the influence of his wealthy in-laws. Meanwhile, Alison is a waitress who’s struggling to piece her marriage back together in the wake of her son’s death. As the series progressed, Noah found himself more distant and less attracted to his wife, while Alison saw herself making a futile attempt to patch things up with her husband.
Pressures in both marriages lead to the first stage of a relationship breakdown, which Knapp calls “differentiating.” At this point, husband and wife pursue separate activities with little regard for each other.
In Noah’s case, his wife’s lack of involvement in the development of his second novel was a telltale sign of this stage. The same was true for Alison when she started feeling reluctant about living with her husband.
Tensions in both marriages eventually escalate to the next stage called “circumscribing.” Here, more communication boundaries emerge with the couple starting to claim individual personal spaces. This is evident in Noah’s situation where he spends more time working on his novel at the expense of his time with his wife.
The relationship then dwindles further to the third stage called “stagnation,” where couples only choose to stay together because of factors such as children—a tough decision for Noah. The marriage remains intact, but improvements are less likely to happen.
The Affair Season Three premiered on Nov. 22 and is on at 9:55 p.m. Tuesdays, first and exclusive on RTL CBS Entertainment.
