A satire on America’s booming economy

posted November 02, 2018 at 12:30 am
by  Eric Jurado
"‘I’ve got one word for you, Donald Trump: Despicable.’"

 

 

The US economy advanced an annualized 3.5 percent in the third quarter of 2018, beating market expectations of 3.3 percent. It follows a 4.2-percent growth in the previous period which was the highest since the third quarter of 2014.

Reacting with disgust to the favorable GDP growth figures, the nation’s Democrats united to slam President Donald Trump for America’s booming economy.

“The US economy is on fire. This is totally unacceptable and, wouldn’t you know, typical of Republican policy,” Nancy Pelosi said at a press conference.

“What happened to the good ol’ days, when decent Americans couldn’t find a job for the life of them? Drive down Main Street in small-town America these days and all you see are ‘Now Hiring’ signs. I’ve got one word for you, Donald Trump: Despicable.” Pelosi’s staff also confirmed the dangerous booming economy would likely result in millions of deaths.

Another thought leader of the left, democratic socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, tweeted her disdain in response to the GDP figure, and reminded her followers of the perilously low unemployment at present.

“3.7-percent unemployment and record-low joblessness across several minority demographics is dangerous, dangerous territory,” she warned. “What’s next? Upward mobility? Fewer people relying on the government for their well-being? We simply can’t let that happen.”

“Besides, unemployment is only low because people are working two jobs. They’re working 60, 70, 80 hours a week. This makes sense if you think about it long enough. #ShameOnTrump,” she added in a second tweet.

Democrats are now deeply engaged in planning their 2020 challenge to Trump, desperately hoping to get someone in the White House who could turn the prosperous economy around.

***

Laying their cards on the table with the November midterms approaching, US Democrats have united to send a clear message: socialism is America’s only hope of ending the current nightmare of economic prosperity.

“We’re living in a hellscape—but there is an escape,” 2020 presidential hopeful Joe Biden said at an event recently. “Democratic socialism, which is socialism, with ‘democratic’ also in the name, you’ll notice, which makes a big difference—remember, Republicans gonna put y’all back in chains, which is something that could never literally happen under socialism—democratic socialism is what’s going to free us from our horrific, flourishing, present condition. You do the math.”

“Listen, we have a unified message. And that message is please, oh please, we’ll do anything to regain power—we’ll flirt with communism. Communism!” Biden said to roaring applause as Nancy Pelosi heaved into a brown paper bag behind him.

“Together we can end this terrible, profitable national nightmare by implementing a historically proven method for utterly destroying a nation forever!”

Pelosi stepped up to offer a brief endorsement: “It’s true, I’ve been pushing back against the socialite uprising. But I want you to know I’ve seen the light, and I now agree that demographic social science is the future of our party.”

“Kill anyone who disagrees!” Maxine Waters bellowed from the background.

Biden, Pelosi, Waters, and the other event speakers were seen huddled together on stage, sobbing.

***

In case you didn’t know, thousands of migrants from Central America are trudging north towards the US-Mexico border.

They say they are fleeing persecution, poverty, and violence in their home countries of Honduras, Guatemala, and El Salvador.

Meanwhile, another migrant caravan full of American leftists, desiring to enter the socialist paradise of Venezuela, departed the United States recently and began marching toward Venezuela through Mexico, stating they will demand asylum so they might experience the far better life that socialism offers.

The migrants claim they are leaving America because of its high standard of living, strong economy, and record employment numbers, and hope to find a better life in Venezuela’s much more equitable system.

“Everyone there has the same quantity of possessions and food,” said one marcher. “Everyone makes millions of dollars, and very few people work. It’s a real paradise.” The refugees have complex motivations, but the vast majority simply want to see everything socialism has to offer after suffering the amazing benefits of capitalism for too long.

Caravan organizers dispelled rumors that they were funded by democratic socialist Bernie Sanders and George Soros, claiming the caravan was an organic grassroots movement.

At its current pace, the caravan is expected to arrive just in time for Venezuela to run out of food entirely.

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Topics: Eric Jurado , US economy , President Donald Trump
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