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Friday, March 29, 2024

Motherhood by choice: Thoughts and tips from a KSP (kool single parent)

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I look around at my current day job where I am surrounded by millennials, and I am reminded that when I was their age, I was already a mom. I was responsible for another human being, with a lot of help from my own mom.

In 2001, I was 21, and found out I was pregnant one month after my father passed away. I had only been a year out of college and was working towards my dad’s dream for me to become the next Loren Legarda, Korina Sanchez, or Ces Drilon.

“Sayang ka,” a lot of people said, disappointed that I would no longer be able to pursue their dreams of me becoming a flight attendant or joining a beauty pageant. Their reactions made me feel like motherhood was a death sentence.

It wasn’t fair.

The challenges didn’t stop there: Basti was born with pneumonia, and was left for two weeks at the neonatal ICU. I never rested a day at home. I went to hold Basti in the hospital everyday, even if I couldn’t feed him. Going home was always hard.

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These events shaped the kind of mom I decided I was going to be: Hands-on and progressive. I was going to be my child’s best friend, not just his parent. I would rather my child trusted me than feared me; for him to know I am for him, not against him.

Today, Basti is 14 years old, from the generation that comes after the millennials. Parenting him has been one great adventure, and it has taught me a lot about myself, too. Allow me to share some lessons I have learned, and tips that have worked:

I taught Basti what it's like to be responsible and accountable for something by entrusting him with the care of Rambo the chihuahua.

1. There’s no such thing as holding your baby too much, or spoiling him with hugs

“’Wag mo laging kargahin, baka masanay,” people told me a lot when Basti was a baby. He was tiny when I took him home from the hospital; his lips a dark purple. I thought that holding him close would help him recover faster, since loving energy from the mom is healing. So I held him, as much as I could, as often as I wanted. 

2. The sacrifices you make as a mother build you as a woman, and you become unfazed by life’s challenges

When Basti was about to turn two years old, I was working part-time in an English language school. I wanted to celebrate his birthday in Jollibee, but my income was not enough, unless I made cuts from my own spending. So for a month, I ate once a day, only when I got home. I was able to give Basti the birthday party he deserved.

Basti has grown into a good young teenager

This phase of my life was cathartic. Until today, my takeaway from that experience still holds true: I am unafraid to lose everything, because I know what it’s like to have nothing. A situation is only a problem if nothing can be done about it anymore. But if it can still be fixed, it’s not a problem. I will deal with it and I will survive.

3. Don’t sugarcoat reality to your child; this builds his character as an individual

Whenever Basti wanted a toy and we didn’t have enough to buy it, I told him. Whenever he wanted to try a new eating place and I couldn’t afford to take him there, I told him. I would bring Basti to work with me, even in shoots and coverages, so he would see how much work goes behind every peso we earned and spent.

Basti on his first day at Beeffalo

 The result: Basti doesn’t feel bad or sad or hold a grudge whenever he asks me to buy something and I say no. He understands why, with very little or no explanation from me. There is no drama, no fight, no hard feelings. (The only thing he asks me to buy that I have a hard time saying no to is a book.)

4. Support your child’s passion and interests the best way you could

Basti took his first cooking classes in Vicky Veloso-Barrera’s Tiny Kitchen when he was five years old. He took his first art classes at Mind Gym when he was eight years old. He took Baking 101 at the Center for Culinary Arts in Podium when he was 11 years old. He took a calligraphy workshop with Kaye Etong of The Word Affair when he was 13 years old.

Basti shortly after recovering from his two-week stay at NICU

Notice the gaps in between? That’s because I had to save up for them, slowly but surely (the CCA baking class was a treat from the Cravings Group). When I could afford to enroll him in swimming classes (he was born with weak lungs so we knew swimming would do him good), I would enroll him in short courses in school.

5. Entrust him with a responsibility. Count on him. Empower him

When I brought Rambo the chihuahua home in 2011 — when Basti was nine years old — I told him that Rambo was going to be his responsibility. He should make sure Rambo is fed, bathed, and healthy. Basti took the responsibility seriously. The two became inseparable. Today, they sleep together, too. Rambo has never been sick. 

Twinning! People mistake Basti as my youngest brother because he is now taller than me… and we have similar tastes!

This summer, I had Basti help out at Beeffalo, an American everyday comfort food place my friends Louie and Girlie Abad and Caren Diaz own, all the way in Marikina. He would assist the staff and dine with them, sharing in their staff meal. I wanted Basti to know how to serve others, and to learn to deal with different kinds of people. I wanted him to learn the value of humility.

Anyone who ever thought that my early pregnancy was a failure would probably now realize that I made it into my life’s greatest achievement. People who get to know Basti appreciate him, and tell me I am doing the right thing with how I raise him to be — independent, selfless, passionate, artistic, and emotionally strong.

Of course, parenting is not without its challenges and tough times, especially now that my son is a teenager. He is no longer a boy; he is a young man. I call on my kumpadres to help me guide him. He needs friends, mentors, and models; those who can show him what it’s like to be a man — a normal but proper one. 

I look back at my life, at the plethora of freelance projects, at the starts and stops of regular employment, and have no regrets that — whenever I have had to choose — I chose to put family first. 

To my fellow moms, a Happy Mother’s Day to all of us!

Follow me on Instagram and Twitter @kaimagsanoc

 

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