Politics is the new religion

"I dreamily look back at the time before all these brutish tactics invaded our politics, and politicians just shot or hacked one another in broad daylight like civilized human beings."


The newest and fastest-growing religion in the country is—drumroll, please—politics.

Unlike many religions that only meet once or twice a week, adherents to the religion of politics worship every day, doing their devotionals in front of this and other newspapers, ABS-CBN and GMA news networks, or their carefully cultivated Facebook and Twitter feeds. There is a major sectarian dispute among politics’ followers, as to whether the one true god is a Dutertard or a Yellowtard, but otherwise, their methods of practicing their faith are remarkably similar.

Political worshipers come in all forms, from casual believers who faithfully vote each election but don’t regularly attend rallies or argue about politics online to crazed people who shower profanities on people they disagree with. But most political believers reject these violent zealots as radicalized extremists, insisting that politics is a “religion of peace.”

According to researchers, worshipers of politics are even more zealous and passionate than members of more traditional religions, being more likely to annoy friends and family, and blast each other on Facebook over which political god is better. Religious people sometimes go door to door to spread their beliefs, while the political faithful will bother you on Facebook all day long.

“A lot of people who said they were done with the concept of God and religion ended up just worshiping politics instead,” said one analyst. “It’s almost like there’s this void in every human that just needs to be filled with something, and so people who don’t believe in God decide to worship political leaders or the state instead.”

“Weird,” he added.

Followers of this rapidly growing religion are reportedly preparing to celebrate its high holy day: the 2019 midterm elections. The festival includes the selection of new high priests to enact the sacred will of the people, which is usually to get more stuff from the government at the expense of everyone else.


Upon looking at the bleak, uncivilized nature of our political discourse, I’m feeling nostalgic for a more refined time when illustrious leaders like Jose Rizal and General Antonio Luna, and enlightened politicians, just shot each other with pistols or skewered each other with swords to resolve their differences.

I dreamily look back at the time before all these brutish tactics invaded our politics, and politicians just shot or hacked one another in broad daylight like civilized human beings.

Frankly, it’d beat all the protesting and swarming of people on EDSA and Luneta. No Senate inquiries. No privilege speeches. Just one simple, civilized duel, a couple of bullets flying through the air, a couple of lunges here and there, and you’re done.

Bam, bam, chop, chop, and you call it a day. Honor restored.

A towering Thunderdome (think Mad Max) with a mixed martial arts octagon should be built at the Senate or Batasang Pambansa complex, to return some semblance of civility to our national discourse.


I had a dream that, in an emergency, overnight referendum, the Filipino people voted to replace the Philippine Senate with a room full of monkeys throwing feces. The measure passed with 57 percent of the vote. Twenty-two percent of voters thought the Senate should be replaced by hungry alligators, while 17 percent voted that the replacement should be the pit of venomous snakes from the Indiana Jones movie. 3.97 percent voted that Senate members be replaced by screaming goats. “About 100 people” voted for the current Senators to keep their jobs, with this tiny voting bloc centered in the Senate building.

Highland Ape Rescue out of West Virginia in the US will be teaming up with Philippine-based primate farms to supply hundreds of monkeys and apes to the Senate. The animals will be fed a nutritious mixture of food that produce easily throwable feces. Protective glass will be put up around the Senate for domestic and international camera crews to safely film, but anyone being interviewed by the new senators will have to sit in the middle of the poop-flinging octagon, coming under a heavy barrage of projectile excrement. 

“It will be a huge improvement from how things were before,” said ape trainer, Gina de la Cruz. “No more 10-12 hour hearings in aid of legislation. No more Senate inquiries. With these monkeys, all the fecal projectiles will have been flung in under 30 minutes. One and done.”

The recently replaced senators will be placed on display at the new Manila National Zoo for families and park attendees to observe, and zoologists to study.

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Topics: Eric Jurado , Politics
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