"‘I am not messing around,’ Gore said."
Former US Vice President and environmentalist Al Gore spoke at the Global Action Climate Summit in San Francisco last September and he didn’t parse words. “This world is headed for a global catastrophe of apocalyptic proportions if everyone doesn’t drop all other priorities and redirect all spending toward buying my books and seeing my movies,” Gore said.
“I am not messing around,” he added. “I am super serious.”
Gore went on to present numerous charts and graphs showing a direct correlation between the destruction of the Earth and his profit margins.
“Science deniers can scoff all they want,” he said while aiming a laser pointer at a chart showing his prediction that the Earth will end within five years if his new book does not make the top of the New York Times Bestseller List. “And even that could be too little too late,” Gore said. “To really guarantee that this environmental apocalypse doesn’t happen, my books need to outsell the Bible.”
Several scientists on the panel agreed wholeheartedly with Gore’s assessment. “The evidence is irrefutable,” said Dr. Sufjan Swami of Johns Hopkins University. “To not buy Al’s books and movies at a time like this is tantamount to treason.” Various experts on the panel all agreed that it was time for all countries and communities to come together and commit all of their resources to the purchase of Al Gore’s books and movies.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that Gore posted simulated footage of people melting in a massive inferno in social media for buying the latest Dan Brown or Stephen King novel instead of his books.
A panel of climate change scientists from around the world issued updated prediction models last Wednesday, confirming that global warming is expected to see a “dramatic and deadly” increase the moment Jesus Christ returns in glory.
Incorporating climate data collected over the past century and a historical and grammatical reading of 2 Peter 3:10, the scientists came to the “inescapable and inconvenient” conclusion that the atmospheric temperature would make the entire world uninhabitable in the span of a few moments.
“After studying the data collected from weather stations around the world and consulting with top scientists, we’ve come to the conclusion that the heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything done in it will be laid bare,” a representative for the climate panel told reporters. “We’re all pretty much literally toast, apart from the saving work of Christ on the cross, so make sure you’re at peace with God.”
At publishing time, a panel of dispensational climate change scientists had disputed the findings as “fake news,” suggesting that the world would see exactly 1,000 years of ideal weather before the sharp uptick in warming occurs.
The recent UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change came to a grim conclusion regarding the rapid warming of the earth, should people not band together to give more power over to the government in order to turn the tide in the fight against climate change.
The report definitively concluded that climate change will completely destroy the earth by 2015 if we do not take action now.
“We’ve run all the numbers, and it’s absolutely clear: every inch of dry land on the planet will be totally submerged by the year 2015,” said one member of the panel. “This is an absolute scientific fact.”
When several scientific researchers pointed out that 2015 came and went three years ago, they were informed that the earth was actually destroyed, everybody was killed, and we are all actually ghosts.
“Every person on the planet is now a spirit who was killed several years ago by climate change,” said a UN spokesperson. “And anyone who does not believe this will be labeled a ghost science denier.”