“I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps in me.” – Sylvia Plath
It manifests itself as a lack of energy, a severe lack of energy that four cups of coffee or four shots of espresso can’t fix. It is an emptiness so deep that forcing myself to do simple things I would do every day – from getting out of bed, to bathing, to getting dressed – would be painful.
It is a pain so pronounced that it would manifest itself as a hole in the middle of my stomach, something I would fill with food in hopes that it would fill up and I would feel better again.
But it won’t fill up, and I won’t feel better.
The thought of stepping out of the house would terrify me, even if it’s just to go to the convenience store at the first floor of our condo. I wouldn’t want anyone to see me. I want to be invisible and just vanish.
This thought would be comforting and would bring some peace – and, sometimes, thoughts of suicide.
This is my depression.
Along with this is a pain in the chest I could only describe as if someone was stepping on it. The more I try to breathe deeply, the more the invisible foot steps on it, as if disallowing me from breathing.
With it are thoughts of worry, thoughts of all the things I have to accomplish because I am a mother and a journalist. I have a child to support, editors to report to, stories to submit, a living to make. But these thoughts only paralyze me.
This is my anxiety.
My depression and anxiety go hand in hand. I have had moments of brilliance because of them, and I have had moments of destruction because of them. I have let people down and lost opportunities because of them, no matter how hard I tried to cope.
I cannot manage them on my own. When I did, I would get to the point where I’d be disoriented and unable to make my mind work. I would end up staring at my hands for hours, or staying in bed all day, in the dark.
The world would turn without me, and I would let it.
It was in 2011 when I learned to accept depression and anxiety as part of how I roll. When I had my job interview to become the first Life and Style and Entertainment editor of Rappler, I disclosed my condition to managing editor Glenda Gloria, who did not take them against me.
When I had an attack, I would tell her honestly. She never gave me unsolicited advice. When I needed to talk or to cry she would patiently listen. She acknowledged it and never downplayed it. She never pretended to know what it was like.
I learned to ask help from the right people. I went to Dr. Paul Lee, a psychiatrist at the Philippine Children’s Medical Center, who understood how much I disliked medication. Our consultations doubled as talk therapy sessions. He would listen as I went through my triggers and sorted out my thoughts.
Nowadays, more and more people are bravely talking about their depression, in hopes that mental health be given more serious and adequate attention in our country.
Wala kaming sayad. Wala kaming tama. We have depression, and it’s a disease, not drama.
Nichole Dizon-Austria, makeup artist:
“I have never spoken about having it, because people think that depression is a joke, that it is some sort of overreaction. It is not. If I can have it my way, I would gladly take sadness over depression. Nobody wants to feel so little and worthless.”
Julian Mauricio, entertainment journalist:
“Please treat suicide attempts or even threats of suicide seriously… Depressed people may lean on you from time to time, and you may find it draining. Back away if you need to recharge, but don’t leave them, even if they give you reasons to.”
Maureen Manuel, PR practitioner:
“Depression is not predictable. It just comes. It is a personal fight. If someone is sad or lonely, please be there for that individual. They need someone to help them feel secure. It’s easier said than done but it is manageable.”
Edgar Callos, freelance production manager and events planner:
“People with depression are not freaks. We can still be high functioning and we can still be competent. In the first two years of my depression, I thought I was worthless. I am an athlete and a fitness aficionado, and they help me get out of episodes.”
Let me know what’s on your mind. Email [email protected] and let’s get that coffee, shall we? Follow me on Instagram and Twitter @kaimagsanoc.